Reality Check (12 cents)

There were a number of items in yesterday's Washington Examiner that gave me pause. I am setting them down here because I have learned that no one but me reads the Examiner. It is my own private paper.

First, there was an ad for a "lifetime of home remodeling solutions". I cannot even conceive of what that could include.

Second, there was an article about Vice Admiral Eric Olson becoming head of the U.S. Special Operations Command, as if this were the most important job in the world. Perhaps it is, but truth be told, I never head of the Special Operations Command, and nothing in this article gave me a hint of what it does. Is it that secret?

Third, "The Phantom of the Opera" is opening, for the umphteenth time, at the Kennedy Center but this time apparently with a new twist. Now the pastry chef of the Roof Top Restaurant (I didn't even know that they had any kind of chef up there) is serving a Phantom Bar - "a chocolate buttermilk cake covered in chocolate sauce and served with a hand-rolled marzipan rose, a white chocolate Phantom mask and an almond tuile music note".

Fourth, secrecy abounds, and not only with regard to the Special Operations Command. the Metro pension plan is so secret that not even its participants are allowed to learn anything about it. The Old Naval Hospital (again something I never heard of) at 921 Penn. Ave SE (oh, I do know the building) is to be renovated for community use, but no one in the community is to be allowed to participate in discussions of what those uses should be.

Fifth, the mayor of Gaithersburg does not like the budget, so will not sign it, and the law does not appear to permit expenditures by the city outside of what is permitted by its adopted budget.

Sixth, zoo officials cannot tell if the giant panda is pregnant and may not learn until a day or two before she gives birth, if then.

Seventh, Madina Ashimova made her first Washington appearance as the Snow Queen (sponsored by that famous vodka from Kazakhstan, Snow Queen. Huh?) and her dress caught on fire.

Eighth, Tony Bennett got a humanitarian award from Aid Darfur.

Ninth, the new manager of Metro said casually that the system needs "a couple billion dollars" over the next few years to upgrade.

Tenth, and this is reassuring, the headline says: "Fenty has staff training for disaster".

Eleventh, if you want to replace your gutters, would you call www.guttercover.com and get $400 off from the Britt family, or would you call www.mdguttershutter.com and get $500 off with no payments until April 2008 (provided, of course, you make an immediate deposit), or would you be satisfied with $100 off from www.harryhelmet.com, because they bring you every other product so you can see how much better there's is? I know, you would go back to www.fosterremodeling.com, because they have a lifetime of ideas.

Twelfth, in the "World News Section", it is all good: if you were a deadly rebel in Somalia, you can now get amnesty; if you spend your time worrying about the health of your brother Fidel, like Raul Castro does, you might have overlooked the fact that your wife just died; third, if you lived in Baghdad, would you wonder whose side Allah was on, with 78 killed and more than 200 wounded at the Khillani (does khill have anything to do with kill?) mosque; if you were Gazan...., oy.

Thirteenth, on the editorial page they will publish letters with fewer than 150 words. How about words with fewer than 150 letters?

Fourteenth, a woman sued TJ Maxx $550,000 because she slipped on a hanger. In an understatement, her lawyer said "I don't sue for this kind of money for nothing."

Fifteenth, chef Alex Powell of 701 Restaurant, believes in "simple food". The recipe for veal chops include the following simple ingredients: sugar, garlic, chipotle chile, ancho chile, port wine, lime juice, lemon juice, orange juice, fish sauce, shallots, butter, sherry vineger, veal stock, black pepper, tarragon, white asparagus, green asparagus, bacon, puff pastry, olive oil, roasting potatoes, grapeseed oil, argula and, of course, veal chops. Simple.

Sixteenth, if you have surprise guests for dinner, why not give them Gorton's crunchy breaded premium tilapia fillets? This is one of today's "delectable finds for foodies". Along with Gorton's (ready for this?) Potato crunch fish sticks. "almost a cross between potato chips and fish sticks". (Bet they'd go swell with the tilapia.)

Seventeenth, and on the gossip page, the big questions are: Is Katie Holmes pregnant again? Why did Keri Russell name her son River Deary? Why didn't Ashton Kutcher have a date at Teddy's on Saturday night? What were Jay-Z and Beyonce cavorting about on that private yacht off St. Tropez? And did you know that Nicole Kidman is now 40?

Eighteenth, add to the cheery coffee news: "Coffee may protect against blinding eyelid disorder". (Also keeps elephants out of your front yard)

And all that before I even got to the sports page.